I started this post in chaos. On the outside, though, you wouldn’t have guessed it. I made sure the environment was right… lofi music on, dogs napping, tea in hand… but I hadn’t paid any mind to how I was actually feeling. I sat down to write without noticing a single state of my being. Where was the tension in my body? Where was my mind? Where was my phone? No, wait, I don’t need my phone. Do I need my phone? No. Write the post. I need a graphic. Do I need a graphic? Scroll through a sea of stock images, maybe something will inspire you. What if I change the topic and the graphic doesn’t fit? Should I change the topic?
My train of thought was derailed before I’d written a single sentence. I read the title on the top of the page- which was the only thing I had written in 30 minutes. Well, I thought, I can’t change what I don’t notice. So, I stopped everything. I had to tune into myself. Deep breaths, closing my eyes, feeling where I was in my body. And there it was, in my chest. Anxiety. My heart was racing, shallow breathing since I got into my office, my mind trying to figure out why my body felt like I was being stalked in the jungle. Now I could redirect. Name the anxiety: Hey, Piglet. I had read a Tumblr post a hundred years ago about all the Winnie-the-Pooh characters and their personality types, it just stuck. Feel the anxiety, let it run its course. The worst part, honestly. And then soothe it. Don’t rationalize it, assist it.
Ask me to do any one of these steps 5 years ago and I wouldn’t have even known that anxiety lived in the center space between my 4th and 5th ribs. I certainly wouldn’t have known that I could feel it coming on before I was in a full spiral- if only I could just notice the signs. So, that’s where we all have to start. The noticing.
We spend so much of our lives in autopilot, going through the motions. I think it’s only gotten worse now that we all have little shiny, emotion numbing rectangles in our pockets. We go through our varied morning routines, most with a cheap dopamine hit (or 20) from our phones and a questionable amount of caffeine, and stay numb throughout the day. It’s not a fault. It’s system design. We are encouraged to notice everything and everyone else first. Be a good parent, get your kids ready for school. Remember everything for them- lunches, homework, backpacks, after school activity of the day. Be a good employee, check your email before you get here. Start the day in your mind before you’re getting paid – surprise meeting today, coworker’s birthday this week, pitch this Thursday. I could go on with every example, but the redundancy is not the point. The point is, when during the day are we supposed to ask ourselves what we need? And when do we get to make those needs a priority? Sometimes this feels impossible, and sometimes, it might be. So we get used to ignoring ourselves. The cycle continues, and we are stressed and exhausted and annoyed by the end of the day- and all we want to do is get back on our phones and rot. Rinse. Repeat.
But what actually goes unnoticed in this cycle of deprioritizing self and numbing emotions?
Your body- until the pain is so bad that you have no choice but to squeeze a doctor’s appointment into the schedule.
Your emotions- until your relationships feel like an obligation and all you do is say sorry and keep your head down, or ignore a friend’s texts and let the guilt eat you up inside.
Your headspace- your subconscious train of thought running rampant all day, controlling your life and actions so completely that when you finally get a moment to yourself, you can’t find pleasure in the things that used to give you energy like hobbies, spiritual work, or self-love practices.
So instead, we watch little people in our phones do the things we used to enjoy, envying their dedication to making a 60-second video about something that once gave us energy. We are left unfulfilled in all aspects of our lives.
You can’t choose differently until you notice what you’re already choosing unconsciously. Awareness isn’t judgement. Awareness is the lighthouse in the storm. It helps you cut through the choppy seas, if we’re sticking with this analogy, and choose your next direction with intention. You may not be able to control the storm, but noticing it gives you a chance to decide how you will meet it. That awareness can calm anxiety, soothe your body, and create enough space in your mind to see a way forward. But you have to notice the storm first. Noticing the anxiety in me didn’t make it disappear. The storm was still there, but I was no longer moving through it blindly. I could stop fighting the feeling, give it what it needed, and choose what came next. So I opened my eyes, put my hands back on the keyboard, and began.
